It's hard to imagine that it's been 4 years. I still have moments of complete flashbacks to this day that stops me in my tracks and brings me to tears. They are not as frequent as they once were but the strangest moments brings back these memories. This year especially, as we tried to get pregnant again and struggled through. It was hard to imagine that God would put us through that again, but He did give us a gift of your older brother due just a week before your due date was. I wanted so badly to be able to give your father the gift of a son, especially after we thought we would have you two beautiful boys here on earth with us. As we have raised Little K, we often wonder what it would have been like to have the two of you wild and crazy like she is. We laugh and can only imagine what our lives could have been. There is nothing more than I want in this world to hold you both in my arms again, and tell you both how much I truly love you. As I see 4 year olds running around I am reminded of what the both of you could have looked like. What life could have been like.
The person I was when I still had you no longer is the same person. You have forever changed me. At first I didn't know how I would live, or how I would get through even a day or a moment. There are still moments when I feel like I failed you both, and wonder if you both know how much I wanted you in my arms forever. As life went on, I find the two of you inspire me daily. You make me want to be a better person. As we sadly found out, life is too short. I won't sit around in my life and wait for the good to come to me. I will work hard to have the life I want for me and my family. Thank you for teaching me that.
I know I often say and others say that everything happens for a reason. The reason that you left this earth so quickly I still have yet to figure out. I read books and search constantly for an answer, and I don't know that I will ever understand or find the true meaning to this. All I do know that is I am always trying to make you both proud of your Mommy and the kind of person that I am. I know you both gave us our beautiful girl, and our soon to be little boy, but it still is hard to imagine why we had to go through such pain and loss to have them. But we did.
This is what we have learned to accept, and not dwell on. Many people experience great loss. Many people endure pain, but I truly believe that we have a choice. We have a choice to let this rule our life and feel victim or we have the choice to strive to overcome and find a purpose through this all. I know I have greatly changed since July 30th, 2011. At first life scared me every single day, I was scared to lose everyone close to me. I couldn't bear to endure anymore loss. I was living in a state of fear every moment of my life. Fast forward 4 years later, and I now have overcome so much in my life. I have done things I never thought I would be doing. I'm working extremely hard to be able to stay home with Little K, and Little J. This past year, I made a huge leap of faith and went part time at work and nothing but great things have been happening since. You both have taught me to stop living in fear, and do what I believe are the right choices for our family.
Life is what we make it. The pain never completely goes away. We have a choice to live or let the hurt and the pain forever hold us back. Thank you for being my inspiration. Thank you for reminding me of the important parts of life. You both are our forever angels. We love you both with all our heart and soul, Hunter and Chance. Until we meet again. Happy Birthday, sweet boys.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
For our full story of twin to twin transfusion syndrome, click here.