I can't believe he really is! I wish I could say this passed year has been nothing but bliss, but those of you that are mothers know it's been a roller coaster of a ride! Being a mommy of two has been no joke for me! I couldn't imagine my life any other way, but my oh my, I'm EXHAUSTED, lol! All of you Mommy's of more than 2 are my heros! Although I do believe that if we had children younger, I would have had at least 3.
Becoming parents has been quite the story for us. I could have never dreamed that this is how our story of becoming parents would have ended. From struggling so long to get pregnant, to our tragic loss of our beautiful baby boys Hunter and Chance, this my friends was something unfathomable to me.
There was times when I didn't think I would ever find happiness again.
After we lost our boys, and even while I was pregnant with Little K I had a very difficult time being happy for other pregnant women, or seeing newborn babies. To tell you the truth, I was scared to death of giving birth again. My first experience was nothing I ever wanted to go through again. It was of complete terror, and heart ache. We did everything to ease my mind about birth. We hired a doula, I spoke to many about my fears, but I just couldn't shake the anxiety around it. I always wanted to give birth naturally, but I had very little faith in myself at the time. I did end up having an epidural with Little K.
Nothing mattered more to me than having a breathing baby in my arms.
What no one told me was the attachment to her that i was going to have. My absolute obsession with making sure that she was as content as she could be at all times. When she wasn't in my arms, I literally felt my heart pound, and I started to sweat. I know every mother goes through this, but having a loss before her, I never wanted to see her upset or put her down. I guess I can't really get upset with her when all she wants to do is be near me. <3
Fast forward to getting pregnant with our sweet baby James! It almost seemed surreal. And let me tell you, the birth was something magical. I know, I just barfed too, but seriously, it was exactly what I needed to heal from the pain I went through. So, in light of my baby turning 1 tomorrow, I wanted to share with you all a story of hope, and joy.
November 19th 2015, I woke up from sleeping, and moved to the couch. For some reason being pregnant and sleeping on the couch = joy. I woke up to a popping noise in my belly, and sure enough, my water had broke! Well I didn't panic too much as I knew I had a while, so I called my sister over to stay with Little K, and I showered, straightened my hair, lol, and freshened up. Hey, my hair is so much more manageable being straight. We finally got everything together, took a picture of our last time being a family of 3, and off we went. When we got in the car, Jimmy couldn't believe that my car was on empty and we had to stop and get gas, LOL! All I can hear him say, is "Who keeps their car on empty 9 months pregnant?'
We made it to the hospital, and met my amazing doctor. Yes, I had not met her before! She was new to the practice, and fresh out of medical school. I was a little nervous about that at first, but she ended up being the most perfect doctor for this experience.
Her first question was what do you want for pain? I told her I wasn't sure, as I didn't want any other interventions to happen. She looked at me and said you are so far along right now that there is no way your labor will slow down, so of course, I agreed to an epidural. I couldn't believe how everything was coming into place.
Well, when you agree to an epidural, it certainly doesn't happen quickly. My contractions were getting closer, but no epidural yet. The nurses and doctor came in, and while everything was happening, I kept telling them, but I haven't gotten my epidural yet. I know I said this many times, until I looked at the nurse and I said, "I'm not getting the epidural am I?" She looked at me very sympathetic, and said "no, I'm so sorry."
This set off every fear in my body.
I know I said along with many other awful words, I'm so scared.
I didn't know what to expect, and the trust I had in myself was not strong. I'm a tough cookie, well before this, my husband might have disagreed. I've taken my body to extreme competing in fitness competitions, but I didn't have faith in myself until faith was all I had. And you know what? I survived! I did it! It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. It was exactly what I needed. A beautiful birth story to hold close to my heart. A perfect closure to our not so perfect story.
So this, my friends, is proof that there is happy endings. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, I would have said the only happy ending was with my twin boys. I had no idea what kind of ride we were up for. It took years of pain, and hurt to get there, and there were days that getting out of bed was a chore. I never would have imagined that I would be writing this. That I would finally have our family of 4.
If you are struggling to get pregnant or struggling after a loss, know that there will be happiness again. God has a different plan, unfortunately, but have faith. Your time will come one way or another. If you are afraid of birth, don't be. If I can do it, I know anyone can. And through the pain of child birth, I have that incredible memory etched in my mind. It truly is a miracle.
I now look at babies and smile. I no longer have that sick feeling when people announce their pregnancies. This is where God intended me to be.
Right here. Right now.
Wherever you are in your journey of child rearing, know that there will be a happy ending. It will work out the way it's supposed to. My new outlook on life that I developed through this--
Don't get attached to your outcome.
I have had so many situations where I thought I knew what was the best decision for my life, and God completely threw a curve ball. I listened. I went with it, knowing with full faith, that it would turn out. It's incredible what we can encounter when we just listen to the signs.
Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!! Thank you for coming full circle, and being the perfect piece to our family.